


Some Assembly Required

by Scientist_Salarian



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:26:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scientist_Salarian/pseuds/Scientist_Salarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our heroes take a nice relaxing uneventful trip to IKEA, where absolutely nothing ever happens ever. Because furniture shopping is fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Assembly Required

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QueenUnderTheMountain (Rinchen)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rinchen/gifts).



> Thrór's opinion of IKEA does not reflect my own, as I quite enjoy if not love IKEA. The disgruntle but cheerful IKEA employee is based on my own experiences while working there.

“Thorin, it’s not going to fit.”

For a moment he didn’t receive an answer, Thorin, with his back to him was struggling to arrange the boxes sticking out of their cart.

“It will.”

“I’m fairly certain they must have those flat carts around somewhere.”

Bilbo allowed himself another moment of watching as Thorin grunted and cursed under his breath trying to balance every box gently atop another without jostling the cart too much.

“We don’t need a flat cart.”

“I think we do.”

Thorin shot a glare to his husband over his shoulder before turning back to the mess of their cart and maybe if he moved this box there, and perhaps if he angled this one just a little bit more he could get them to sit nicely and not fall when he started pushing the cart. Which worked until he turned back to the rack and realized that this bed set came in five boxes not two….

“Fine, go and get a flat cart.”

Thorin admitted finally with a defeated sigh as he eyed up each box and their already overburdened cart knowing full well no matter how good his game of Tetris was he wasn’t going to be getting the side rails nor the box containing both headboard and foot board on this cart.

Admitting that he needed a flat cart was not something he had wanted to do, after all, they could have made do with the cart they had, minus a few boxes here and there.

He hadn’t even noticed that Bilbo had wandered off, turning himself around to find the place his husband had been standing in empty.

 

“Excuse me, miss, would you be able to help me?”

It took a moment for the girl at the terminal to look up, finishing whatever it was she was doing before finally looking up to meet Bilbo’s gaze,

“What can I do for you?”

Bilbo pulled the pamphlet from his pocket and smoothed it out, sighing a little bit as the pencil smudged the tiniest bit.

“I’m looking for a few things today, and first thing I suppose I will need is a flat cart, where might I find those?”

She smiled as she lifted her arm and pointed down the center aisle,

“You head back down aisle three, and just across the threshold back into the market hall you’ll find the cart dispenser on your right hand side. There should be flat carts there. If there aren’t any there might be some tucked over by as-is. If there are none there come on back here and I’ll give a call to LP to let them know we don’t have any carts. Given that it’s a peak day you might want to check the dispenser since they keep that stocked up.”

Bilbo paused for a moment, turning to look back down the way she had pointed to orient himself before nodding and tucking his pamphlet back into his pocket. She turned her attention back to the computer and the papers before her.

As she said there would be, Bilbo found the carts and pulled one from the dispenser, thinking better of it and grabbing a second just to be safe before turning and head back down the aisle to the island where the lady was still standing.

“Yes I understand, but it’s a safety thing, we can’t bring the forklifts out into the warehouse when there are still customers.”

“But you don’t understand, I need these drawers to finish my bed set!”

“I understand, but again we can’t bring the forklifts out when there are customers. The best that I can do for you is to make a note to have them brought down tonight and have them on the floor for tomorrow. But it does look like they are already queued for replenishment and we should have twenty on the floor tomorrow.”

Bilbo waited patiently as the girl explained to a rather annoyed looking couple about drawers or something rather, the corner of her mouth twitched and he could hear from her tone alone that this was a spiel she was quite used to giving and the couple didn’t seem to be too eager to listen.

“And you promise they will be here tomorrow?”

“I’ll make sure to leave a note for the opener to make sure they’re out, but you also must understand with the bedroom event going on they will sell out quickly. So I recommend coming in early.”

With a huff the couple walked away from the island and the girl standing there who sighed out a ‘you’re welcome’ and shook her head before looking back up and to Bilbo.

“And how may I help you today?”

Bilbo once again drew his list from his pocket and smoothed out the paper, setting it on the counter for the girl to take a look at.

“My husband and I are looking to get a bedroom set, as well as a couple other items and we’re not sure where some of them are exactly.”

The girl, Kegan, as a quick glance to her nametag revealed her name to be, took a glance over the paper before looking up again.

“Well first, the warehouse you’ll find is split in two. With the rows in front of us being the odds going from one through to thirty-seven, while the evens, which are the rows behind us go from two up to thirty-eight. Each aisle of course has their bin locations starting at bin one going all the way up to fifty, anything ending with zero zero is floor level and ten is on the middle shelf. The start of the aisles are bin zero zero.”

Bilbo blinked once, twice as this was explained to him before looking back down at his paper and nibbling on his bottom lip as he read over the item names and the locations that they might be found it.

“Would you be able to give us a hand? It’s our first time shopping and we’re a tad bit lost.”

Bilbo asked and Kegan only smiled to him and nodded, taking one of the mobiles from the counter and clipping it to her belt next to the scanner she wore as Bilbo turned his carts and started back down the aisle to where he had left Thorin.

Thorin was only mildly annoyed when Bilbo returned, begrudgingly beginning to stack all the boxes onto the flat cart which did accommodate them considerably better than the other cart they had been using.

“I don’t think we need two.”

“Oh no, we’re not taking the chance of running out of space, we can keep that cart for the little things because we still have quite a few things to get and this young lady says that the second cart is a good idea.”

Both looked back at the girl who carried on standing there looking over their list, she had it seemed decided it was far better to stay out of any discussion that the couple in front of her were having.

Thorin muttered something and looked back towards their cart now with the boxes neatly arranged in that they could fit a few more things in. Bilbo stood beside him lightly tapping his foot against the cement floor before Thorin exhaled sharply through his nose and looked back at him.

“Dressers next then?”

He finally grunted and Bilbo with a nod took hold of one of the handles of the empty flat cart and their other cart and started down the aisle towards the center and left Thorin standing there awkwardly with the ikea worker. She cleared her throat and handed him the paper with a couple additions made to the sheet.

“Updated bin locations, he had asked about those, if you two have any questions feel free to come and ask myself or anyone else dressed in yellow.”

She said pleasantly enough as she turned and walked down the same path that Bilbo had gone down on. Thorin sighed and looked down at the paper in his hand and all the items they had still yet to get and took the small pencil from his shirt pocket and checked off their first item.

 

He caught up to Bilbo in the aisle over tugging on and fighting with one of the boxes, his face flushed with the exertion and saying nothing as Thorin came up beside him and between the two of them they were able to get the box down on to the cart.

“Apparently they’re heavier than they look.”

Thorin turned to look at Bilbo as the smaller man spoke, the pair of them now eyeing the box labelled 2 for this particular dresser.

“Did we want to get the glass top for this? Easier to clean and we could ever put photographs underneath, I think it would look quite nice in the bedroom. Don’t you agree?”

Bilbo had turned to look at Thorin who was putting on a very good show of contemplating that. He looked from the picture of the dresser on the tag on the bar of the racking, before glancing a few spaces down to where the top sheets of glass were stacked neatly on their pallet before turning to look back to Bilbo.

“I… guess?”

“It wouldn’t matter to you either way would it?”

“Not really.”

Thorin bent to slide the second box from the stack, this one being much lighter than the first and set it down on the cart alongside the first. When he looked up he saw Bilbo looking thoughtfully at the paper in his hand before he turned to Thorin,

“Do you think we should put these ones back and get the matching dressers instead? I know that the Brimnes dressers don’t come in a six drawer but we could make do with the four drawer instead.”

Thorin felt the twinging in his lower back just even thinking about having to lift the one box that was god knows how heavy and with a quick glance at the tag, ninety-one pounds, shook his head and already stepped away from the racking and to their cart.

“These will work, as long as they’re the same colour it really doesn’t matter to me.”

“Thorin, they don’t match, I’ll know they don’t match and it will bother me.”

Bilbo huffed out a little breath and crossed his arms looking from the two boxes on his cart to the five sitting on Thorin’s.

“We could change the bedframe then?”

“I thought you liked this one because of the headboard, which we still have to grab.”

“Well if it’s not going to match the dressers I don’t want this one.”

“It has the headboard with storage.”

“But it doesn’t match the dressers, you can tell, the grain of wood would be different and it just… Thorin it won’t match.”

Thorin rolled his eyes as he took hold of the cart and started pushing it down the aisle to where the aforementioned headboard would be found.

“And who is going to be going into our bedroom that would know that the bedframe and the dressers don’t match?”

Silence followed and he glanced back over his shoulder to find Bilbo pushing their carts up along behind him. Inwardly he was quite pleased with his little victory, carrying on glancing back over his shoulder to his husband and the stormy look on his face.

Thorin wasn’t at all too surprised to see Bilbo hurry off the moment they reached the spot where they would find the headboard for their bed set, he wasn’t overly concerned as he was certain he could manage to move at least one of these boxes on his own.

Bilbo returned to find Thorin holding the cart still with the toe of his shoe as he slid the now angled box slowly onto to the cart before it cleared the other boxes and fell to the cart with a satisfying bang sound.

“That wasn’t so bad.”

He breathed straightening up and looking back to an almost amused Bilbo who stood there with his arms crossed,

“Good, because that will be three items off our list and still a few more things to go.”

Thorin forced a smile on his face, that was right, they weren’t just here for the basics, there was still so much more exciting things for them to do in this god forsaken maze.

 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, days, years… Thorin heaved a heavy sigh as he both pushed and pulled both of their carts along with him as Bilbo looked over the papers in his hands. One more bed frame down, the mattresses were next then a few other little knick-knacks here and there and maybe just maybe they could leave.

“Did we decide on a box spring or were we just going to go with the bed slats?”

“Either way we need to pick up the midbeam before we forget. Bed slats might be easier, I think they said a box spring would make the mattress sit too high off of the bedframe or something like that…”

Thorin commented offhandedly as he looked between the bundles of bed slats and the one big box that held the midbeams. Bilbo stepped forward to take one of the beams from the box to add to their cart while Thorin’s brows knitted in concentration as he studied the bundles of the slats before them.

“Was it one bundle or two? I don’t know if one would be enough for the bed? Should we get two since we need slats for the other bed as well.”

Bilbo looked over to him and shook his head,

“I think the one bed comes with the bed slats so we only need the set for ours. I think it may only be the one bundle though, two may be too many.”

Thorin was suspicious for a long few moments before he picked up one of the bundles and wedged that in between some boxes and straightened up.

“What’s next?”

“Well we need to get the mattresses, the Hansbo for us, and a Malfors for the twin bed. I think they told me upstairs that the Malfors are rolled up so that should be easy but we may need another cart for our mattress.”

Thorin released a long held in groan at the very idea of having to get a third cart. This was starting to get ridiculous. He knew better of course, there was no way they would fit a mattress on top of the other things they still had to get.

“Didn’t we just come in here looking for a bed for-“

**Would Bilbo Baggins please return to Småland?**

Bilbo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly for a moment before setting their checklist down on top of their boxes before smiling again as he looked to Thorin,

“Our hour’s up, this should be fun, we don’t have too much left so we should be able to manage.”

Navigating back to Småland through the checkouts and around past the escalators wasn’t too difficult once he orientated himself. The girl at the counter was still smiling as he approached the counter and waved to her.

“How was he?”

“He was very good, a pleasure to have very well behaved and seemed to enjoy playing with the other children.”

Bilbo smiled as he went around the counter to where Frodo was sitting on the floor pulling at his shoes, grinning up to his uncle as he knelt to help him with them.

“Did you have fun Frodo my lad?”

“Yes! There was toys and shows and everything!”

Once Frodo once more had his shoes on Bilbo gently pulled him up and to his feet, the boy waved his goodbyes to the girl at the counter as they started off back to the warehouse.

Bilbo was still smiling as Frodo chattered away at his side detailing everything he had done and seen while playing in Småland.

“You’ll have to tell uncle Thorin all about when we find him.”

Finding Thorin wasn’t entirely too difficult, the pair of them peering up and down the aisles looking for him until eventually they came to one of the aisles, sixteen was it, and Bilbo spotted Thorin and the girl working at the warehouse computer both working to get the mattress from the rack to the cart both were trying to control with their feet. Bilbo sighed and shook his head, walking up with Frodo to hold the cart steady as the two were finally able to get the mattress moved and set on to the cart.

“You could have waited for me to get back, I could have helped with that.”

Thorin shook his head as he started pushing the cart to join the others. They had amassed quite the collection of carts by this point which of course meant they were that much closer to finishing their little IKEA excursion. There was one thing that stuck out in Bilbo’s mind and he looked around puzzled for a moment as though this was the first time that he had even noticed.

“Thorin… where’s your grandfather?”

There was a sharp curse from his husband as he too suddenly realized the absence of the old man that had come on the shopping trip with them for reasons that.. he hadn’t been at liberty to discuss at the time.

“I’ll take Frodo to go and look for him.”

“He’ll eventually turn up, I’m sure he’s gone and found a place to sit is all.”

**Would Thorin Durinson please come to the cash lanes.**

Both Bilbo and Thorin shared a look with Thorin shaking his head as he started off in the direction of the exit hoping that this page had absolutely nothing to do with his grandfather. Which of course in the end proved to be a fool’s hope as he saw Thrór standing there with two men on either side of him and another standing before him.

“Are you Thorin Durinson?”

Thorin nodded slowly as his grandfather stood tall his arms crossed over his chest, refusing to acknowledge either of the men standing alongside him.

“Do you know this man?”

“Unfortunately yes, my grandfather, what exactly has he done?”

“I’m the manager on duty this afternoon and we had had several reports put through to LP about someone who was wandering amongst our PAX displays occasionally jumping out at other patrons, of course when we got there he had already moved on. He made it down to textiles where he had done the same hiding in and amongst the curtains we have on display.”

Thorin looked to Thrór who met his gaze and said nothing, simply stood there and watched his grandson shake his head before looking to the manager again,

“We were finally able to catch him when he got back up to the restaurant and was telling people to choke on the meatballs.”

“He doesn’t like IKEA.”

Thorin blurted suddenly and saw the smallest bit of a smile on his grandfather’s face before it was instantly replaced with a scowl.

“Well we’re going to have him escorted from the property with a ban from him ever returning to the premises.”

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded, this might have been why his grandfather had insisted on coming along on this trip in the first place.

“We’re just about ready to pay, could I just… I’ll take him out to the car and have him wait there while we pay.”

The manager and the two people from LP shared a glance before the manager nodded and Thrór walked over to Thorin who was happy to escort him out of the building and out to their vehicle.

“Please stay here.”

Thorin said with a small sigh as Thrór parked himself in the back seat and nodded waving his grandson off as he crossed his arms again.

Thorin left the keys in the ignition and returned inside to join Bilbo and the help they picked up in the warehouse to get their carts all the way up to the cash lanes.

Getting everything scanned and checked to ensure it wasn’t double scanned, ensuring all the boxes were accounted for, and nothing was forgotten was the easiest. Frodo and Bilbo waited on the other side of the lines with Bilbo getting the little boy a cinnamon bun as they waited.

“We do offer delivery for some of the larger items.”

Thorin was practically skipping as they maneuvered their carts down the end of the hall to the home delivery desk.

“Did you need assembly services as well?”

“No that’s alright. I’m sure we can manage most of it and get my father to help with the rest.”

“Alright, so delivery is scheduled for later this evening between five and nine, does that work for you?”

“Yes, thank you just call when they arrive.”

“Of course, have a good afternoon!”

Thrór regarded what purchases they could put in the car with a sniff of disdain, shaking his head as they packed the trunk and joined him in the vehicle.

“I can’t believe you got yourself banned from IKEA.”

“I needed something to keep myself busy whilst waiting for you to finish your shopping. That seemed like the most logical course.”

 

If Thorin knew the hell that would follow when it came to assembling their bed frame and dresser he would have opted for the assembly service. It took two bottles of wine to get their bed frame up, and another half bottle to get the dressers and night tables done.

When their bedroom was in some semblance of order Thorin stood and helped Bilbo to his feet as they admired their brand new bedroom set.

Bilbo smiled as he hugged Thorin around the waist and rested his head against his shoulder,

“The dressers still don’t match the bedframe.”

Bilbo expected the little pinch to his side as Thorin snorted at the comment, turning his head to kiss him on the top of the head.

“Again no one is going to see what our bedroom furniture looks like so it shouldn’t matter in the least.”

Bilbo chuckled gently rubbing a hand across Thorin’s middle before patting him gently and straightening up.

“Well I’m going to make the bed if you wanted to go and check to see how your father is doing with Frodo’s room? I’ll start making the bed.”

Thorin nodded as he stepped away from him, stretching his arms high over his head as he walked from their bedroom and out into the hall.

Bilbo hummed as he dug out their bedsheets and started making the bed, glancing towards the doorway as he did so hearing voices from out and further down the hall.

Bilbo who had just finished setting the last of the pillows onto the bed and tucking the duvet over top of them turned when he heard the door to their bedroom open again and Thorin’s expression as he walked across the floor and hugged him tightly around the waist, burying his face into the crook of his neck.

“How’s your father and Frodo’s progress?”

“If you call making a castle from boxes and having father pretending he’s a dragon progress then they’re doing alright. As for the state of Frodo’s room… I think he’s going to have one more night sleeping on his old bed at the rate they’re going.”

Bilbo felt Thorin’s smile against his skin as he just imagined the scene playing out in Frodo’s room.

“Assembly service?”

“Assembly service.”


End file.
